CNN (Casey news network)

Hello viewers welcome to column number 28 of CNN. Before we start our column I would like to mention a family member who has recently passed on due to cancer this past Thursday night. RIP Cousin Ronnie. Now on to everyone favorite Saturday morning guilty pleasure CNN. First the battle continues. Now if you will recall several months ago I mentioned how Rosie and Donald got into a war of words. However since Donald implied that Rosie was a man in an interview the battle has continued between the two. Rosie is going to need a lot of Twinkies to fight off Donald. Next Sanjaya eliminated. Apparently the sympothy has stopped for Sanjaya as he has been eliminated by American Idol voters worldwide. 7 elven has got to be filled with tears by now. Next Michael Nutter. This man has claimed how 50 percent of the people murdered in America are black people and has gotten first place in the mayor electoral campain so far. maybe we will get more white people voting in the political world and then we will see who is in 1st place. Hee Haw Hee Haw why that sound means one thing and one thing only it is time for the jackass of the week.

Here are this weeks nominesse

Hugh Grant (for throwing a can of baked beans at a photographer)

Richard Gere (for a despicable display of kissing an Indian woman at an AIDS awarness event)

Joe Francis (for raping an 18 year old girl)

Rosie O Donald (For taking the cowards way out by quitting the view)

And the winner is drum roll please. Joe Francis. That is all the time we have for today join me again next time on CNN.

Hello viewers welcome to coloumn number 27 of CNN. Lets get to it. First The Virgina Tech Massacre. An Asian man named Cho Seung Hui who should be at Master Wok flipping rice patties killed an estimated 33 people at Virgina Tech College and also killed himself in the process leaving fear in colleges around the world. What has this world come to? Next Don Imus retires. Apparently two time jackass of the week nominee Don Imus is considering retirement after calling a womens basketball team quote “Nappy Headed Hos.” One word, Coward (no pun intended). Next Kyle XY. It is a show on ABC family that puts an unknown stranger who does not know who he is with a family who tries to figure out his past. Im losing my memory just writing this. Hee Haw Hee Haw why that sound can mean one thing and one thing only it is time for the jackass of the week.

Here are this weeks Nominesse

KCAA (A small radio staion who aired old Don Imus brodcasts during his worst time)

Richard Gere (He allgedly kissed an Indian woman during an AIDS awareness event)

Kali Bowyer (The woman who waited 13 years to sue Chris Rock because of her baby)

I can not think of another nominee so this time there will be 3 nominesse. And the winner is drum roll please. Kali Bowyer. That is all the time we have for today join me again next time on CNN.

Hello viewers welcome to column number 26 of CNN! Lets get started. First Annas daughters father revealed. Several DNA tests have finally revealed that Dannielynns Father (daughter of the late Anna Nicole Smith) is Larry Birkhead who is Anna Nicole Smiths ex boyfriend. Poor Dannielynn who has to have a dumb last name like Birkhead. Next Finally they acknowledge it. Now one month ago I mentioned how Campbells advertises NFL spokesmen when the season is over. At least now they are acknowledging the fact that the season is over. Finally those greedy bastards at Campbells listen to people. Next Perez Hilton (not to be confused with money hog Paris Hilton). Apparently he is the self proclamed “King of media” well Mr Perez we know who the real king of media is and that is CNN. But really you are a king a Burger King. Hee Haw Hee Haw why that sound can mean only one thing other than the irony of Perez Hilton and Campbells making love it is time for the jackass of the week.

Here are this weeks nominesse

Don Imus (Who is considering taking the cowards way out by retiring after making a controversial comment as reported last week on CNN)

James Blunt (a singer who drove over someones foot while leaving a party)

Trey Anastasio ( a Phish Frontman which I dont know what that is because our source did not reveal what is it who had possesion of drugs)

Chris Rock (A female claimed that he was the father of a child she had 13 years ago)

And the winner is drum roll please Trey Anastasio. That is all the time we have for today join me again next time on CNN.

Hello viewers welcome to coloumn number 25 of CNN. (special editions do not count) We are back and better than ever after a brief one week hiatus due to me being on vacation and realizeing you have lives to get to other than reading this column. But I know you are ready so lets get started. First pet food recall. Apparently pet food companies have found rat poison in pet food and they have demanded a recall from pet stores such as Petco. Those poor inocent pets no I am not talking about the workers since half of them look like pets. Next Sanjya. Now three weeks ago I mentioned the hype that American Idol has been getting for years. However if anything can prove immigrants can be sucsessful in America look no further than Sanjaya. Sanjaya somehow keeps getting votes from people due to sympohty for the poor guy. Great just what we need a 7 eleven worker on top of the musical charts. Next Jeff Garcia signing with Tampa Bay. Now this rant has been quite anticpated since he signed there weeks ago but now here it is. Apparently the Tampa Bay Buccaners have signed Philadelphia Eagles replacment quarterback Jeff Garcia to a fat greasy contract with his name on it and I am not talking about Andy Reid. Get well soon Mcnabb so we can kick Jeff Garcias white ass for betraying us. Hee Haw Hee Haw why that sound can mean only one thing the return of the jackass of the week.

Here are this weeks nominesse

Joe Francis ( creator of popular porn video series Girls Gone Wild who the women involved in the taping say he threatned them)

Don Imus ( a radio talk show host who said something offensive about a college female basketball team)

Khristine Eroshevich ( Anna Nicole Smiths doctor who was accused of being responsible for Annas overdose)

Michael Jackson (For not being aware that his memorabilia was going to be auctioned at first)

And the winner is drum roll please Khristine Eroshevich. That is all the time we have for today join me again next time on CNN.