CNN (Casey news network)

Hello viewers welcome to column number 31 of CNN (special editions do not count as official columns). Lets get right to the action. First NBC Trumps The Apprentice. Apparently the hit reality show The Apprentice has been cancelled by NBC. However Donald Trump said he would like to move on from The Apprentice. What is Trump going to do pick on more overweight women you money sucking sucker punching wuss. Next Nutter wins the poll. Now several weeks ago I mentioned about Nutters campaign plan which is claim that most people that are murdered are black and apparently that strategy worked as Michael Nutter is the brand new mayor of the city of brotherly love (no pun intended) Philadelphia. The black community has to be proud. Next Who is the winner of American Idol? Now as you know I have mentioned American Idol in the past. Examples include hype and Sanjaya. Now I reveal for those who missed it the winner of American Idol is Jordin Sparks. I have a feeling CNNs ratings will be off the roof after that. Hee Haw Hee Haw why one thing and one thing only comes from that sound other than Sanjaya it is time for the jackass of the week.

Here are this weeks nominesse.

Ty Pennington (Host of the ABC reality show Extreme Makeover Home Edition who was accused of drunk driving)

Ryan O Neil (An actor who fired a gun to his older son)

Tom Sizemore (An actor who police caught with several illegal drugs)

David Faustino (A star on the popular series Married With Children who was caught intoxicated from marijuana)

And the winner is drum roll please Ryan O Neil. That is all the time we have for today join me again next time on CNN.

Hello viewers welcome to a special edition of CNN. Now I announced it last Sunday on CNN which is usally very rare that I post an announcment on Sunday but we have to alert our viewers some way some how. Now we all heard the war of words Donald Trump and Rosie O Donald have been going through. But today CNN gave Rosie O Donald and the Donald the opportunity to settle this in the ring! Lets go to Casey with the play by play.

Casey: All right thank you for tuning in.

Casey: We are live from CNN headquarters which is absolutley nowhere in existience.

Casey: I am Casey Sichel along with Mike Tysons long lost cousin Frankie Tyson and this will promise to be the fight of the century eh Frank.

Frank: Ill tell you what my cousin has fought in a lot of fights but I have never seen a fight build up like this one has.

Casey: lets take a look at the tale of the tape between these two.

Casey: We have estimated the weight between these two and Donald Trump is estimated 130 pounds while Rosie is estimated 410 pounds so Rosie has the advantage weight wise.

Casey: We have looked up the fighting exprience for these two and we found out Donald Trump has faced pro wrestling owner Vince Mcmahon in a hair vs hair represenative match while Rosie has faced 25 diffrent sumo wrestlers as Masachuchututu in Japan so Rosie has an advantage exprience wise.

Casey: and last but not least nicknames, Donald is known as the Donald while Rosie is not known for nick names so Donald Trump has the advantage nick name wise.

Casey: looks like Rosie is the odds on favorite for this one eh Frank.

Frank: I dont remember Rosie facing sumo wrestlers in Japan but then again I dont live in Japan.

Casey: lets go to our ring announcer David Smith.

David: Ladies and gentelmen boys and girls today this war of words will be setteled once and for all.

David: Are you ready? CNN headquarters are you ready?

David: Then for the thosuands in attendence the millions watching from their computer lets get ready to rumble.

David: Introduceing first from New York City New York weighing 130 pounds Donald Trump.

David: And from Queens New York accompined by her manager Barbra Walters weighing 410 pounds Rosie O Donald.

Casey: Lets go to our reffree for the day Osmond Lemons.

Osmond: All right I want a good clean fight, no punches below the belt, no hair pulling, no foreign object use.

Osmond: Any questions.

Donald: No

Rosie: (Heavy Breathing) No.

Osmond: Lets get it on.

(Bell rings)

Casey: All right here we go.

Casey: Head lock by Donald, Rosie counters the head lock.

Casey: The fight can be won by pinning your opponets shoulders to the count of 3 or making your opponet submit.

Casey: Rosie with a sidewalk slam. Rosie covers 1,2, no Donald kicks out.

Frank: Rosie looks like Godzilla in person you know.

Casey: Donald with a modified german suplex. Donald makes the cover 1,2, no Rosie kicks out.

Casey: Rosie tries to get back up but no she just collapses.

Frank: Down goes Rosie, down goes Rosie, down goes Rosie.

Casey: Barbra Walters just threw a hot dog in the ring.

Casey: Rosie eats the hot dog and gets right back up.

Casey: Rosie with right hands and left hands to Donald

Frank: Donalds down right now.

Casey: the cover 1,2 and no Donald kicks out.

(The match continues on with events such as Tara Connor coming to ringside hitting a beer bottle in the face of Barbra Walters and Donald Trump body slaming Rosie O Donald which eventually lead to Donald Trump picking up the win.

Casey: That concludes the fight between Rosie O Donald and Donald Trump unbelevable way to end a fight eh Frank.

Frank: I cant belive Donald Trump just picked up Rosie like she was nothing and body slammed her to the mat.

Casey: I have been informed that CNN will return to its normal topic next week which is what I think of the world until then see you next time.

Announcer: Todays fight has been sponsered by FOX the real resturanters review.

Announcer: And by Today.com have you blogged today?

Next week CNN will have a special edition. The special edition will be about a Rosie O Donald and Donald Trump fight which will be the battle of the century. More on that next Saturday.

Hello viewers welcome to column number 30 of CNN. Now before we get started I would like to get something off my chest. Please go to youtube.com type Don Imus Racist Remarks on the search engine and click on the first video you see and then you will find out how the media is exagrating this whole thing making Don Imus sound like a racist monster. This will lead us to our first rant of the day titled Racist or not. After viewing the video you now know Don Imus said that comment almost in a joking matter and hell I dont even know how CBS picked it up cause it had such little enthusiam. 100 percent exagration. Next Paris Hilton decreased jail time. There are rumors going around that Paris might be spending less time in the slammer. She might be spending either 21 or 23 days in jail. See Dumbo you have the money. Next Motorcycle Madness. What is with loud motorcycle drivers these days? I mean there is so many of them pumping loud motorcycles these days heck even more than normal. Motorcycles are taking over. Hee Haw Hee Haw. Why that sound means one thing it is time for the jackass of the week. Here are this weeks nominesse.

Chris Albrecht (a former HBO executive who grabbed a woman by the throat with both hands)

Homeless Charlie (a homeless character on the Opie and Anthony show who said he would like to have sex with 3 female political figures)

The Game (A rapper who made criminal threats by lieing to a taxi driver that he was a police officer)

There will only be 3 nominesse this time. And the winner is Chris Albrechet. That is all the time we have for today join me again next time on CNN.

Hello viewers welcome to column number 29 of CNN. Lets get right to the verbal action. First President Bush says no to a war spending bill. Apparently George W Bush has refused some support for the war in Iraq but yet all he can think about is the war in Iraq. Of all people. Next Rosie quits The View. Known to Japan as Masa Chuchu Tutu the current sumo wrestling champion and known to America as Rosie O Donald she is apparently quitting The View. However she has vowed to appear on ocasion such as special editions. God knows how many pounds she will weigh by then. Next DUI Dumb Unattractive Idiot. Apparently Ms Paris Hilton has been charged with a DUI and was sentenced 45 days because of that incident. Hell she has got the money she can bail herself out anytime. Hee Haw Hee Haw why that sound means one thing and one thing only other than Paris Hilton or Tara Connor behind the wheel of a car it is time for the jackass of the week.

Here are this weeks nominesse

Paris Hilton (Look earlier in the column to see why she was nominated)

CBS Radio (For not using the delay buttons when Don Imus said the racist comment and belive me I heard those comments and the media is just exagerating the whole thing)

Jihan Jefers (an actress who was charged similar to what Paris Hilton was charged with a DUI)

Busta Rhymes (Take a look at the first and third nominee and then you will find out the reason).

And the winner is drum roll please. CBS Radio. And that is all the time we have for today join me again next time on CNN.

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