CNN (Casey news network)

Hello viewers welcome to a special edition of CNN. Today on CNN we answer an age old question who would win in a fight between two of Tinsel Towns biggest egos today Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. Today CNN has given them an open invitation to settle there problems in the ring! Lets go to Casey Controversy with the play by play

Casey: All right folks we are live from CNN headquarters which is absolutely nowhere in existience.

Casey: Due to undisclosed reasons I have been forced to change my name to Casey Controversy but back by popular demand he is the long lost cousin of Mike Tyson ladies and gentlemen Frankie Tyson.

Frank: Thanks for the introduction C.C I can not wait for this battle Paris Hilton vs Lindsay Lohan I can smell the money.

Casey: Lets take a look at the tale of the tape between these two.

Casey: We have estimated the weight between these two and we found out Paris Hilton weighs 109 pounds while Lindsay Lohan weighs 107 pounds so Paris has the advantage weight wise.

Casey: We have looked up the fighting exprience for these two and we found out that Paris “wrestled” a guy on a video tape while Lindsay does not have any fighting exprience so Paris has the edge exprience wise.

Casey: We have looked up the jail record for these two and we found out that Paris has spent an estimated two times in jail while Lindsay has spent two times in jail as well so both have the edge warrent wise.

Casey: Lets go to our ring announcer David Smith.

David: Ladies and gentelmen today you will see two of Hollywoods most spoiled women battle it out one fall to a finish.

David: CNN headquarters are you ready. Then for the thousands in attendance the millions watching from their computer lets get ready to rumble!

David: Introducing first from New York City New York weighing in at 109 pounds accompined by her BFF Nicole Richie Paris Hilton.

(Crowd Boos Loudly)

David: Introducing Next from New York City New York weighing 107 pounds Accompined by the Los Angles state prison guards Lindsay Lohan.

Casey: Thanks David and lets go to our reffree for the day Osmond Lemons.

Osmond: All right I want a good clean fight no punches below the belt, no alcohol, and no outside interference am I making myself clear.

Paris:Yes.

Lindsay: Yes.

Osmond: Lets get it on.

(Bell Rings)

(The match was basiclly what you would expect with Paris Hilton walking out of the ring at every oppurtunity and Lindsay pretty much doing the same.  It also featured a lot of pin attempts and submission manuevers and ended with Lindsay using a modified STF which is a submission maneuver around the head area which lead to her getting the win. Frank Also made some controversial comments about both women involved in the fight)

Casey: I understand that CNN will be returning to its normal topic next week which is what I think of the world until then see you next time.

Announcer: Todays fight has been sponsered by FOX The Real Resturanters Review.

Announcer: And by Today.com Have You Blogged Today.

Hello viewers welcome to column number 42 of CNN. Lets get started. First Vick makes a deal. Michael Vick is apparently working on a plea deal which came into full effect yesterday in a Richmond court house. Vicks legal team were told that because of the circumstances surrounding the situation Vick may suffer harsher punishments than originally planned meaning that the plea deal went unsucssesful. Whatever Vick gets from the court he deserves it. Next Airplane Delays. Delays for airplanes this summer have been the highest in 13 years. Airlines say the reason for the increaseing amount of delays was because lots of people have demanded airline service and airlines also blame the delays on the recent awful weather. You want to know the real reason its what politicans have complained about over the past 6 years 9/11. Next High School Droolsical. What is with all the hype this dumb Disney Channel movie known as High School Freakin Musical getting the hype it does not deserve. So it has a boy toy who I am sure is in the closet, so it has a dumb blonde who probably forgot her lines in the movie 2 million times, so it has a bunch of other idiots in the movie who were so desprate to get their big break they had to rely on this movie to get noticed. That does not mean it has to be in our face every time we turn around. Unlike half the cast in High School Musical you can grab on to your knowledge because it is now time for the CNN dictionary. Todays word is greed. The regular definition for greed is an excessive desire to acquire more than one needs or deserves. CNNs term for it is what Michael Vick has for dog fighting and what the people of High School Musical have to get noticed. That is all the time we have for today join me again next week when we will have a special edition. Paris Hilton Vs Lindsay Lohan battle of the egos until then see you next time.

Hello viewers welcome to column number 41 of the biggest worldwide phenomenon since the OJ Simpson trial CNN. Lets get to the action. First Barry beats the record. After almost a year of trying to beat baseball player Hank Aarons record baseball player Barry Bonds has finally become the man to beat the record of most home runs hit in baseball history with the number of 756 home runs. One would think there would be more to come if Barry gets more steroids in his system. Next Oops Britney does it again. Apparently Britney Spears got into an alleged car accident with a silver Mercedes. The driver that Britney crashed into was a nurse named Kim Robard Rifkin. She claimed that Britney did little to support her car and just plain ignored the entire situation. Britney may not ignore the situation too much if this goes into court. Next Eddie Murphys Spicy suit. Speaking of court Melanie Brown a Spice girl has sued actor Eddie Murphy for a child that was confirmed to be the child of Eddie Murphy. Murphys representative claimed months ago that he would be responsible for the child but that is not the case as Eddie Murphy is engaged to another woman which quite possibly could be the reason for this entire suit. Now that is what you call a love triangle folks. Grab on to your knowledge folks because it is now time for the CNN dictionary. Todays word is ego. the regular term for ego is the self especially as distinct from the world and other selves. CNNs definition for it is pretty close to the regular definition for it which CNNs definition for it is what the females of the celebrity world have these days EX Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, That is all the time we have for today join me again next time on CNN.

Hello viewers welcome to column number 40 of CNN. Lets get to the action. First More information about the Nicole Richie pregnancy. Now two weeks ago I mentioned that Nicole Richie was indeed pregnant and the father was indeed rock star Joel Madden. However one of our online sources has confirmed that she has been pregnant for 4 months and did not truely announce it until a July 31st interview with popular media interviewer Diane Sawyer. Also Madden claimed that he will stay with her during her pregnancy period. Get a friggin brain Joel. Next Dont forget the lyrics. It is a show on the FOX network that plays songs with missing lyrics and the people have to guess what the missing lyrics are. The show is hosted by stand up comedian Wayne Brady. How many rip offs of American Idol is there going to be? Next Dumb fast food workers. What is with this fast food service these days? I mean come on at KFC my mother ordered us Terryiaki boneless wings and they did not give us the wings. Plus yesterday at Mcdonalds we ordered an Asian chicken salad and they gave us a chicken bacon ranch salad. Fire those pimply faced teenagers and get us some older workers with experince. Grab your knowledge folks it is time for the CNN dictonary. Todays word is lousy. The regular term for lousy is inferior or worthless. CNNs term for it is what todays fast food workers are and what Joel Madden is for sticking with Nicole Bitchie through her pregnancy. That is all the time we have for today join me again next time on CNN.