CNN (Casey news network)

Hello viewers now normally CNN would post news but when this is your final post you have to remember the good old days. yes I am here by retireing from writing CNN. I apologize for the pre mature cancellation of CNN but in life we have to move on with other things. I appreciate all of you loyal viewers for sticking from the early days of CNN, to the days where the jackass of the week award was invented, to the days where CNNs articles grew tremendously in length, to the dying days of CNN where the CNN dictionary was invented, to the days where special editions where something to look forward to, to the days when there was real news as it is. now all I have to say is goodbye.

CNN October 21st 2006- September 1st 2007

Hello viewers welcome to a special edition of CNN. Today on CNN we answer an age old question who would win in a fight between two of Tinsel Towns biggest egos today Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. Today CNN has given them an open invitation to settle there problems in the ring! Lets go to Casey Controversy with the play by play

Casey: All right folks we are live from CNN headquarters which is absolutely nowhere in existience.

Casey: Due to undisclosed reasons I have been forced to change my name to Casey Controversy but back by popular demand he is the long lost cousin of Mike Tyson ladies and gentlemen Frankie Tyson.

Frank: Thanks for the introduction C.C I can not wait for this battle Paris Hilton vs Lindsay Lohan I can smell the money.

Casey: Lets take a look at the tale of the tape between these two.

Casey: We have estimated the weight between these two and we found out Paris Hilton weighs 109 pounds while Lindsay Lohan weighs 107 pounds so Paris has the advantage weight wise.

Casey: We have looked up the fighting exprience for these two and we found out that Paris “wrestled” a guy on a video tape while Lindsay does not have any fighting exprience so Paris has the edge exprience wise.

Casey: We have looked up the jail record for these two and we found out that Paris has spent an estimated two times in jail while Lindsay has spent two times in jail as well so both have the edge warrent wise.

Casey: Lets go to our ring announcer David Smith.

David: Ladies and gentelmen today you will see two of Hollywoods most spoiled women battle it out one fall to a finish.

David: CNN headquarters are you ready. Then for the thousands in attendance the millions watching from their computer lets get ready to rumble!

David: Introducing first from New York City New York weighing in at 109 pounds accompined by her BFF Nicole Richie Paris Hilton.

(Crowd Boos Loudly)

David: Introducing Next from New York City New York weighing 107 pounds Accompined by the Los Angles state prison guards Lindsay Lohan.

Casey: Thanks David and lets go to our reffree for the day Osmond Lemons.

Osmond: All right I want a good clean fight no punches below the belt, no alcohol, and no outside interference am I making myself clear.

Paris:Yes.

Lindsay: Yes.

Osmond: Lets get it on.

(Bell Rings)

(The match was basiclly what you would expect with Paris Hilton walking out of the ring at every oppurtunity and Lindsay pretty much doing the same.  It also featured a lot of pin attempts and submission manuevers and ended with Lindsay using a modified STF which is a submission maneuver around the head area which lead to her getting the win. Frank Also made some controversial comments about both women involved in the fight)

Casey: I understand that CNN will be returning to its normal topic next week which is what I think of the world until then see you next time.

Announcer: Todays fight has been sponsered by FOX The Real Resturanters Review.

Announcer: And by Today.com Have You Blogged Today.

Hello viewers welcome to column number 42 of CNN. Lets get started. First Vick makes a deal. Michael Vick is apparently working on a plea deal which came into full effect yesterday in a Richmond court house. Vicks legal team were told that because of the circumstances surrounding the situation Vick may suffer harsher punishments than originally planned meaning that the plea deal went unsucssesful. Whatever Vick gets from the court he deserves it. Next Airplane Delays. Delays for airplanes this summer have been the highest in 13 years. Airlines say the reason for the increaseing amount of delays was because lots of people have demanded airline service and airlines also blame the delays on the recent awful weather. You want to know the real reason its what politicans have complained about over the past 6 years 9/11. Next High School Droolsical. What is with all the hype this dumb Disney Channel movie known as High School Freakin Musical getting the hype it does not deserve. So it has a boy toy who I am sure is in the closet, so it has a dumb blonde who probably forgot her lines in the movie 2 million times, so it has a bunch of other idiots in the movie who were so desprate to get their big break they had to rely on this movie to get noticed. That does not mean it has to be in our face every time we turn around. Unlike half the cast in High School Musical you can grab on to your knowledge because it is now time for the CNN dictionary. Todays word is greed. The regular definition for greed is an excessive desire to acquire more than one needs or deserves. CNNs term for it is what Michael Vick has for dog fighting and what the people of High School Musical have to get noticed. That is all the time we have for today join me again next week when we will have a special edition. Paris Hilton Vs Lindsay Lohan battle of the egos until then see you next time.

Hello viewers welcome to column number 40 of CNN. Lets get to the action. First More information about the Nicole Richie pregnancy. Now two weeks ago I mentioned that Nicole Richie was indeed pregnant and the father was indeed rock star Joel Madden. However one of our online sources has confirmed that she has been pregnant for 4 months and did not truely announce it until a July 31st interview with popular media interviewer Diane Sawyer. Also Madden claimed that he will stay with her during her pregnancy period. Get a friggin brain Joel. Next Dont forget the lyrics. It is a show on the FOX network that plays songs with missing lyrics and the people have to guess what the missing lyrics are. The show is hosted by stand up comedian Wayne Brady. How many rip offs of American Idol is there going to be? Next Dumb fast food workers. What is with this fast food service these days? I mean come on at KFC my mother ordered us Terryiaki boneless wings and they did not give us the wings. Plus yesterday at Mcdonalds we ordered an Asian chicken salad and they gave us a chicken bacon ranch salad. Fire those pimply faced teenagers and get us some older workers with experince. Grab your knowledge folks it is time for the CNN dictonary. Todays word is lousy. The regular term for lousy is inferior or worthless. CNNs term for it is what todays fast food workers are and what Joel Madden is for sticking with Nicole Bitchie through her pregnancy. That is all the time we have for today join me again next time on CNN.

Hello viewers welcome to column number 39 of CNN. Now before we start the column I have to mention the word that is often used on CNN. That word is drunk. Now last week I debuted the CNN dictionary using that word. And guess what that word is going to be used again. Which leads us to our first topic titled Last Call. Now Lindsay Lohan has been arrested for driving under the influence and possesion of cocaine. The police recieved a call by the mother of Lindsay Lohans personal assitant. She claimed that the assitant was being chased by a GMC and wanted her to be safe. The police found the caller and Lindsay argueing and police later found out she was drunk and had cocaine as well. Congratulations Lindsay that How to be Paris Hilton kit is really paying off. Next The Michael Vick Investigation. Now last week it was reported that Michael Vicks trial date was this week. Now Michael Vick pleaded not guilty. But despite the plea Vick must be under supervision, surrender his passport, and stay away from the other criminals involved in the investigation. Another trial will take place in 4 months. Now thats a bad penalty Mr Vick. Next The Simpsons Movie. The long running television series known to America as The Simpsons is now made a movie which has been released yesterday and in my opinion one of the best movies of 2007. Its about time. Grab on to your knoweldge folks it is time for the CNN dictionary. Todays word is Stupidity. The regular defenition for that word is the quality or condition of being stupid. CNNs term for it is. What many stars are these days EX Lindsay Lohan, Michael Vick, Paris Hilton. That is all the time we have for today join me again next time on CNN.

Tommorow on CNN. Lindsay Lohan Arrested? What was she arrested for? Plus Michael Vick’s Trial went on was he arrested or not? All those questions and more answered on CNN.

CNN The Home Of Controversy

Hello viewers welcome to column number 38 of CNN. Lets get to the action. First A ruff fumble. Now a while ago I mentioned football player Michael Vicks involvement with dog fighting. Now Michael Vick has been indicted and the trial for the investigation will be on July 26 of this year at a Richmond Virgina court house. Vick really fumbled this time. Next Nicole Richie Pregnant? Apparently Nicole Richie has been confirmed pregnant. The father of the baby has been revealed to be Joel Madden who is involved in a rock band called Good Charlotte. Her legs have a life of their own. Next Weather Leapfrog. Now not that long ago I mentioned how there is constant rain in the city of Philadelphia. But however now there are constant heat waves and more rain and thunderstorms. Cant we have perfect weather for at least a full week. Now finally CNN will reveal the replacement for the jackass of the week award. And the replacement is the CNN dictionary. Here is how it works. Now CNN will use a word that has often been used in its columns and use the normal defenition for it then CNN will use its defenition for it. The first word for it has been used many many times on CNN and that word is drunk. Here is the normal defenition for it. Delirious with or as if with strong drink; intoxicated. CNNs term for it. The act of which many celebrities seem to suffer from. EX David Hasselhoff, Tara Connor, Lindsay Lohan. That is all the time we have for today join me again next time on CNN.

Hello viewers welcome to a special edition of CNN. As a matter of fact this CNN is so special that we had to move it to a Sunday so there would not be a Saturday morning riot. Nah just kidding. In this special edition we will see a day in the life of Paris Hilton BEHIND BARS! Lets get to the action.

7:oo AM The security guards say its wake up time for Paris and the other inmates.

7:20 AM Paris eats breakfast which is usally gruel. Paris requests scrambled eggs and bacon but is given gruel instead.

7:22 AM Paris refuses to eat the gruel but she does not have a choice so she eats it anyway.

8:10 AM The inmates get back in their cells and Paris throws up the food in her cell toilet.

9:00 AM It is morning shower time and Paris tries to flirt with the male guards to reserve the entire shower to her. The guards admit they are gay and kiss each other on the cheek.

9:12 AM Paris must shower with everbody else and does not like it one bit.

9:59 AM The inmates go back in their cells including Paris.

12:00 PM It is lunch time in prison and the inmates head to the cafeteria.

12:07 PM Paris requests pan fried scallops and shrimp but instead gets mystery meat.

12:14 PM Paris accidently bumps into a new inmate named Fat Patty causing Pattys mystery meat to fall to the ground. Fat Patty gives Paris a dirty look.

12:30 PM It is now time for the inmates to go back inside their cells.

2:00 PM It is excersise time for the inmates.

2:10 PM Paris is late for the group as she is too busy throwing up her lunch.

3:10 PM The group waits for Paris to arrive and when she finally does excersise time is over. Fat Patty really wanted to excersise and takes it out on Paris by shoving her to the ground

3:20 PM The inmates go back in their cells.

5:00 PM It is dinner time for the inmates.

5:05 PM Paris requests Flaiming yon and Lobster Tail but instead gets fried chicken. Patty gets in line next but the lunch lady says they are out of lunch and the lady gives Patty some soggy bread instead

5:30 PM While the inmates go back in their cells Fat Patty brutally attacks Paris for 30 minutes straight until security finally separates Fat Patty. Paris has a long night in the prison medical center for the rest of the night. That is all the time we have for today next week we will go back to our normal topic which is what I think of the world and our normal day which is Saturday. Plus we will finally reveal the replacement for the jackass of the week award next week. Until then see you next time.

Now normally CNN starts off with a greeting and normally CNN does not update on Fridays either. But I would like to make this announcment right here right now. Now I will be taking a mini vacation to another state and the scheduled Paris Hilton special edition will be delayed and will be posted instead on Sunday. For the first time in months CNN will be on a Sunday.

Hello viewers welcome to column number 37 of the biggest thing going since Paris Hiltons DUI CNN. Lets get to the action. First London Bridge is falling down again. Apparently yet another London bombing was spotted as two car bombs were discovered in London. London needs better security or better yet a dentist that actually cleans teeth. Next Paris a liar? Apparently Ms Hilton has lied about her drug use on the interview with Larry King Live. She claimed she never used drugs then on a website it depicted Hilton using several ammounts of drugs. I knew that bitch has not changed a bit. Next Rain Overload. What is with all this rain these days. I mean it seams that every week we get either rain or a thunderstorm. Whats up with that? Ladies and gentlemen CNN will debut its newest feature in two weeks. What will it be? Tune in two weeks from now to find out. In the mean time next week we will have a special edition with A day in the life of Paris Hilton Behind Bars! Its a cant miss two weeks of CNN. Will you tune in ?!