CNN (Casey news network)

Hello viewers welcome to column number 37 of the biggest thing going since Paris Hiltons DUI CNN. Lets get to the action. First London Bridge is falling down again. Apparently yet another London bombing was spotted as two car bombs were discovered in London. London needs better security or better yet a dentist that actually cleans teeth. Next Paris a liar? Apparently Ms Hilton has lied about her drug use on the interview with Larry King Live. She claimed she never used drugs then on a website it depicted Hilton using several ammounts of drugs. I knew that bitch has not changed a bit. Next Rain Overload. What is with all this rain these days. I mean it seams that every week we get either rain or a thunderstorm. Whats up with that? Ladies and gentlemen CNN will debut its newest feature in two weeks. What will it be? Tune in two weeks from now to find out. In the mean time next week we will have a special edition with A day in the life of Paris Hilton Behind Bars! Its a cant miss two weeks of CNN. Will you tune in ?!

Hello viewers welcome to column number 36 of CNN. Now before we start this column one of our sources has found a video on youtube.com about Kobe Bryant ranting about what CNN rants about today such as Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. We reccomend our viewers check it out. Go to youtube.com, type Kobe Bryant Raw on the search engine, and click on the third video you see. We would like to issue a warning that due to suggestive dialouge and strong foul language viewer descration is advised. Now on to the show that makes Jerry Springer look like Sesame Street CNN. First the Paris Hilton interview. Now a couple of nights ago Paris Hilton gave her first media interview since her jail sentencing on Larry King Live. She told Larry that she was a changed person and would never make the same mistake again. Next time Paris dont let your lawyer write speeches for you. Next Smacked Down. Apparently popular professional wrestler Chris Benoit has been accused of murdering his wife Nancy better known to wrestling fans as Benoits manager at one point dubbed Woman and his 7 year old son Daniel and then placeing a bible over their bodies and then hanging himself by his weight lifting machine. Authorites belive the cause of this rampage was steroids. Steroids for a fake sport, talk about desprate. Next the Nintendo Wii. Apparently the Nintendo video game company has made a new system called the Nintendo Wii. The system involves a remote which involves heavily on hand movement. God only knows what some of your hands do without a Wii remote. Just a reminder folks the jackass of the week award has been cancelled it has over worked our writing schedule I aplogize for all the fans of the jackass of the week we are brain storming a replacment for the jackass of the week which should be decided in the coming weeks. That is all the time we have for today join me again next time on CNN.

Hello viewers welcome to column number 35 of CNN. Lets get to it. First Rosie has a Price. Apparently former View host and rumored stunt double for Jabba The Hut Rosie O Donnell has considered to be the host of the game show The Price Is Right. How much money does it take for them to say no? Next Slam Drunk. Long time NBA player Allen Iverson has apparently gotten into a bar fight with two customers hitting one of them with a beer bottle. Truely a missed shot. Next Hells Lawsuit. The host of the popular television show on the FOX network Hells Kitchen Gordon Ramsey has been acussed of faking scenes for a resturant makeover reality show. Martin Hyde an owner of an Indian American resturant claimed that Ramsey said his meat was spoiled when it was not spoiled and did other false claiming things. Certainly hells lawsuit. I am starting to get sick of writing the jackass of the week award because it is getting to be too much work so I am here by cancelling the jackass of the week award. That is all the time we have for today join me again next time on CNN.

Hello viewers welcome to column number 34 of CNN. Lets get to the action. First Chesseburger in not much paradise. Apparently renown actor David Hasselhoff has had his daughters video tape him drunk eating a chesse burger off the floor. So many celebrites falling off the wagon these days. Next the Sopranos season finale. A long running television series known to many as the Sopranos has finally given up on airing episodes and ended with their series finale. Mamma Mia!  Next Heat Wave Approching. In the Philadelphia area this weekend we are bound to have some good weather as there will be a heatwave in the 80s this weekend. This weekend going to be hotter than Pamela Anderson in Philly. Hee Haw Hee Haw why that sound means one thing and one thing only it is time for the jackass of the week.

Here are this weeks nominesse

Lindsay Lohan (For crashing a car in 2005 under the influence of alcohol)

Lou Pearlman (A boy band creator who was charged of financial fraud)

Allen Iverson (He got into a bar fight with two customers and hit one of them with a beer bottle)

Sean Stewart (Son of the legendary singer Rod Stewart who assaulted a couple with a brick)

And the winner is drum roll please. Allen Iverson. That is all the time we have for today join me again next time on CNN.

Hello viewers welcome to column number 33 of CNN. Now lets get started. First The not so Simple Life. Now several weeks ago I mentioned Paris Hiltons recent jail sentenceing. However this past week Paris was somehow let out of jail. It did not last long however as police sent her back to court in handcuffs and then went back to jail. Why let her out in the first place because she has millions of dollars? Next Hells Kitchen. It is a show on the FOX network (Not to be confused with the food review blog FOX) that pits lots of rising chefs against each other hosted by an abusive power hungry boss named Gordon Ramsey. Certainly it can taste the ratings. Next Captin Jack Stupid. How can the Pirates of the Caribbean movie be number 1 when the previous movies absolutley suck. Just goes to show how fickle people are. Hee Haw Hee Haw why that sound means one thing other than the making of a new Pirates of the Carribean movie it is time for the jackass of the week. Normally I would post nominesses on the jackass of the week but seeing as though as I am sick and tired of everbody hyping this stupid Paris Hilton case the unanimous winner of this award is no drum roll for this one. Paris Hilton. That is all the time we have for today join me again next time on CNN.

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FOX The Real Resturanters Review. Updated every Sunday.

Hello viewers welcome to column number 32 of CNN. Now lets get started. First Michael Vick the Dog fight owner? Apparently Virginia police have found a dog fighting ring along with pitbulls ready to fight and Michael Vick has been involved in this scandal. Next time Vick dont fumble the ball. Next Rosie does it again. Rosie has apparently had another heated debate this time with View host Elizabeth Hasselback. This debate lead to Rosies early departure from The View. Now this will give Rosie a chance to eat at some good greasy all you can eat buffets. Next Child Found. A missing 7 year old boy named Andrew Rankins was found after being abducted by his mother but thankfully he was found. One word, Irony. Hee Haw Hee Haw why that sound means one thing only it is time for the jackass of the week.

Here are this weeks nominesse.

Lindsay Lohan (For drunk driving which she drived on a curb)

Patrick Lodiers (A television host who hoaxed real kidney paitents in to thinking they will get a kidney transplant)

Howard Bragman ( Paula Abduls agent who did terrible things like did not accompany her to the Jimmy Kimmel Live show)

David Hasselhoff (He video taped himself drunk eating a cheeseburger on the floor).

And the winner is drum roll please. David Hasselhoff. That is all the time we have for today join me again next time on CNN.

Hello viewers welcome to column number 31 of CNN (special editions do not count as official columns). Lets get right to the action. First NBC Trumps The Apprentice. Apparently the hit reality show The Apprentice has been cancelled by NBC. However Donald Trump said he would like to move on from The Apprentice. What is Trump going to do pick on more overweight women you money sucking sucker punching wuss. Next Nutter wins the poll. Now several weeks ago I mentioned about Nutters campaign plan which is claim that most people that are murdered are black and apparently that strategy worked as Michael Nutter is the brand new mayor of the city of brotherly love (no pun intended) Philadelphia. The black community has to be proud. Next Who is the winner of American Idol? Now as you know I have mentioned American Idol in the past. Examples include hype and Sanjaya. Now I reveal for those who missed it the winner of American Idol is Jordin Sparks. I have a feeling CNNs ratings will be off the roof after that. Hee Haw Hee Haw why one thing and one thing only comes from that sound other than Sanjaya it is time for the jackass of the week.

Here are this weeks nominesse.

Ty Pennington (Host of the ABC reality show Extreme Makeover Home Edition who was accused of drunk driving)

Ryan O Neil (An actor who fired a gun to his older son)

Tom Sizemore (An actor who police caught with several illegal drugs)

David Faustino (A star on the popular series Married With Children who was caught intoxicated from marijuana)

And the winner is drum roll please Ryan O Neil. That is all the time we have for today join me again next time on CNN.

Hello viewers welcome to a special edition of CNN. Now I announced it last Sunday on CNN which is usally very rare that I post an announcment on Sunday but we have to alert our viewers some way some how. Now we all heard the war of words Donald Trump and Rosie O Donald have been going through. But today CNN gave Rosie O Donald and the Donald the opportunity to settle this in the ring! Lets go to Casey with the play by play.

Casey: All right thank you for tuning in.

Casey: We are live from CNN headquarters which is absolutley nowhere in existience.

Casey: I am Casey Sichel along with Mike Tysons long lost cousin Frankie Tyson and this will promise to be the fight of the century eh Frank.

Frank: Ill tell you what my cousin has fought in a lot of fights but I have never seen a fight build up like this one has.

Casey: lets take a look at the tale of the tape between these two.

Casey: We have estimated the weight between these two and Donald Trump is estimated 130 pounds while Rosie is estimated 410 pounds so Rosie has the advantage weight wise.

Casey: We have looked up the fighting exprience for these two and we found out Donald Trump has faced pro wrestling owner Vince Mcmahon in a hair vs hair represenative match while Rosie has faced 25 diffrent sumo wrestlers as Masachuchututu in Japan so Rosie has an advantage exprience wise.

Casey: and last but not least nicknames, Donald is known as the Donald while Rosie is not known for nick names so Donald Trump has the advantage nick name wise.

Casey: looks like Rosie is the odds on favorite for this one eh Frank.

Frank: I dont remember Rosie facing sumo wrestlers in Japan but then again I dont live in Japan.

Casey: lets go to our ring announcer David Smith.

David: Ladies and gentelmen boys and girls today this war of words will be setteled once and for all.

David: Are you ready? CNN headquarters are you ready?

David: Then for the thosuands in attendence the millions watching from their computer lets get ready to rumble.

David: Introduceing first from New York City New York weighing 130 pounds Donald Trump.

David: And from Queens New York accompined by her manager Barbra Walters weighing 410 pounds Rosie O Donald.

Casey: Lets go to our reffree for the day Osmond Lemons.

Osmond: All right I want a good clean fight, no punches below the belt, no hair pulling, no foreign object use.

Osmond: Any questions.

Donald: No

Rosie: (Heavy Breathing) No.

Osmond: Lets get it on.

(Bell rings)

Casey: All right here we go.

Casey: Head lock by Donald, Rosie counters the head lock.

Casey: The fight can be won by pinning your opponets shoulders to the count of 3 or making your opponet submit.

Casey: Rosie with a sidewalk slam. Rosie covers 1,2, no Donald kicks out.

Frank: Rosie looks like Godzilla in person you know.

Casey: Donald with a modified german suplex. Donald makes the cover 1,2, no Rosie kicks out.

Casey: Rosie tries to get back up but no she just collapses.

Frank: Down goes Rosie, down goes Rosie, down goes Rosie.

Casey: Barbra Walters just threw a hot dog in the ring.

Casey: Rosie eats the hot dog and gets right back up.

Casey: Rosie with right hands and left hands to Donald

Frank: Donalds down right now.

Casey: the cover 1,2 and no Donald kicks out.

(The match continues on with events such as Tara Connor coming to ringside hitting a beer bottle in the face of Barbra Walters and Donald Trump body slaming Rosie O Donald which eventually lead to Donald Trump picking up the win.

Casey: That concludes the fight between Rosie O Donald and Donald Trump unbelevable way to end a fight eh Frank.

Frank: I cant belive Donald Trump just picked up Rosie like she was nothing and body slammed her to the mat.

Casey: I have been informed that CNN will return to its normal topic next week which is what I think of the world until then see you next time.

Announcer: Todays fight has been sponsered by FOX the real resturanters review.

Announcer: And by Today.com have you blogged today?

Next week CNN will have a special edition. The special edition will be about a Rosie O Donald and Donald Trump fight which will be the battle of the century. More on that next Saturday.

Hello viewers welcome to column number 30 of CNN. Now before we get started I would like to get something off my chest. Please go to youtube.com type Don Imus Racist Remarks on the search engine and click on the first video you see and then you will find out how the media is exagrating this whole thing making Don Imus sound like a racist monster. This will lead us to our first rant of the day titled Racist or not. After viewing the video you now know Don Imus said that comment almost in a joking matter and hell I dont even know how CBS picked it up cause it had such little enthusiam. 100 percent exagration. Next Paris Hilton decreased jail time. There are rumors going around that Paris might be spending less time in the slammer. She might be spending either 21 or 23 days in jail. See Dumbo you have the money. Next Motorcycle Madness. What is with loud motorcycle drivers these days? I mean there is so many of them pumping loud motorcycles these days heck even more than normal. Motorcycles are taking over. Hee Haw Hee Haw. Why that sound means one thing it is time for the jackass of the week. Here are this weeks nominesse.

Chris Albrecht (a former HBO executive who grabbed a woman by the throat with both hands)

Homeless Charlie (a homeless character on the Opie and Anthony show who said he would like to have sex with 3 female political figures)

The Game (A rapper who made criminal threats by lieing to a taxi driver that he was a police officer)

There will only be 3 nominesse this time. And the winner is Chris Albrechet. That is all the time we have for today join me again next time on CNN.